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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance