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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
