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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Gross if literal…Liverpool
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.