You Might Also Like
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
set yourself free xox
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
selena gomez
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
congratulations to them
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.