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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.