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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
#parenting
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.