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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.