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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
haha same
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.