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My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep