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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Our lord and savoury.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein