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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?