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it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE