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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
that wasn’t the question
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell