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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…