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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
crochet youtube is brutal
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs