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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going