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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Home #decor warning.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case