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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Stop sending me this shit.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Cat or sheep
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Grandmother clock.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.