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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name