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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.