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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?