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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
The Backseat Boys
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings