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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall