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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
still the best tweet of the year by far
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming