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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.