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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
spot the difference
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.