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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
adding to the discourse
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
fourth time’s the charm
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
