You Might Also Like
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey