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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Frankenstein?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
It be like that sometimes 😆
