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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Passwords are more important than ever.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people