Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Can’t stop laughing

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.