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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point