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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Bros before Ohioes
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.