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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
yeah no that’s fair
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me when my alarm goes off
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
An odd boast
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?