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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
He has no idea 🤡
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
this is the kind of friend i am
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.