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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Support your local cemetery
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.