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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal