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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Ion see the issue
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!