You Might Also Like
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.