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“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan