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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Math at Halloween.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs