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i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”