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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows