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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Best seat on the street 😍
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.