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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
This 4th of July, please remember…
