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I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.