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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.