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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”