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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”