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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
scared to check what name she chose
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Good dog. ❤️
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Employees must applaud the planets.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults