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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
linkedin the good parts
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh