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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Life cycle of cat
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker