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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right