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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.