You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
seriously you guys
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.