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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down