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Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The French word for sex is croissant.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”