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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes