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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude