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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Seductively hides in the woods
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?