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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Can we not just call it Zealand now?