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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher