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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?