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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Haha! 😂
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.