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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now