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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Butt weight. There’s more!
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The sacred texts.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing