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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
