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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
What’s a Messi?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I like long walks away from everyone
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.