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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either