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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips