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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.