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What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
me when somebody idk start touching me
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado