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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
sensitive skin
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
💀💀
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?