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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.