You Might Also Like
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
We decided to have money instead of children.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower