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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
