You Might Also Like
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT鈥橲 your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here鈥檚 our little murder doodler
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Doormats are a gateway rug.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it鈥檚 like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we鈥檙e still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it鈥檚 more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
