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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Life with a cat in one tweet
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire