You Might Also Like
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping