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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S