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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.