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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Lmao
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone