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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
😭😭
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas